On Tuesday I was at the club dealing poker and just kicking back with everyone. It wasn’t great money but I had fun. Anywaysss, toward the end of the night my manager told me it was going to be super busy Friday and Saturday and asked if I can do some of the bucks shows.
Now management says it will be busy every week so I will wait and see about that part. But since I had plenty of free time today I fucked around and did some research and came up with a plan for a show. Then, because I had it all planned out in my head I went shopping to actually go buy everything.
I came home with an awesome cop outfit. Complete with a black tutu skirt, a zip up corset, a hat, aviators, neck and wrist cuffs, and a toy gun. I also went and purchased handcuffs, glitter to mix with water, a sparkly cane (for my baton), water pistols and a confetti gun.
My biggest concern has always been that people will be bored or that I wont have enough things to do to fill up 15 minutes without being awkward. Now I am keen as.
I’m still nervous about doing a solo show but I am also really exited about having fun and messing around. Also I’m pretty sure my club wont let me use the confetti gun which sucks because it would be soooo much fun!
“We’re so bad at sex and then we wonder why women aren’t like, really aggressive about sex. We think it’s cause they don’t have as much desire as we do. That’s how stupid men are, that we think ‘they’re just weird, women are like fucked up in the head cause they don’t wanna just fuck all the time. If I was a women, I’d just fuck everybody. Why don’t they wanna fuck all the time? I do’. Of course you do, cause when you fuck, you get to fuck a woman! When she fucks, she has to fuck a guy! Wildly different experiences. For a man, 100% of the time, it’s the greatest thing that ever happened in his entire life. For a woman, about 40% of the time, when she’s being fucked by a guy, she’s thinking ‘I’ll get over this in a week. It’s not the worst thing. I’m not gonna cry this time’
“Another thing that proves how bad men are at sex is that after sex, you’re looking at two very different people. The man just wants to lay there, be cool and the woman wants to cuddle…’Why is she so NEEDY?’ She’s not needy you idiot, she’s horny, because you did nothing for her. YOU DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. HER PUSSY IS ON FIRE BECAUSE IT’S GONE UNFUCKED COMPLETELY. Of course you’re fine, you climbed on and went “KFHGSKG” and rolled off. And she’s on you because she’s like ‘WH-at SOMETHING ELSE HAS TO HAPPEN, THIS IS BULLSHIT!!” If you fuck a woman well, she will LEAVE YOU ALONE. ‘Thanks a lot buddy, zzzzz’”
”—Oh, Louis CK, advocate for the female orgasm. (via stfumadison)
Like a real date. In the past my most exciting ‘dates’ have been trips to the movies and possibly a shitty dinner before / after at those crisp restaurants next to cinemas. Not that I am completely against dates on a budget, but I am looking forward to tonight.
I have a beautiful new dress, shoes and bag. We’re going to an excellency seafood restaraunt in the city with great views. I have already decided what I am eating. I am about 90% sure I won’t be splitting the bill. I will of course offer and be happy to do it, he just seems like the old fashioned type. Oh and the weather is amazing today!
So far the guy and I have good chemistry, I don’t think this will turn into dating but I am looking forward to having some fun and having a great night!
I don’t believe in guilty pleasures. If you fucking like something, like it. That’s what’s wrong with our generation: that residual punk rock guilt, like, “You’re not supposed to like that. That’s not fucking cool.” Don’t fucking think it’s not cool to like Britney Spears’ “Toxic.” It is cool to like Britney Spears’ “Toxic”! Why the fuck not? Fuck you! That’s who I am, goddamn it! That whole guilty pleasure thing is full of fucking shit.
The uni I was accepted into has one of the best reputations in the state. My info day is in Jan and I will find out about my book list, supplies, uniforms, and clinical placements. I am super excited!
I went on a bit of a shopping spree today to celebrate. I picked up 7 books on nursing. Hopefully some of them are decent and they arrive soon so I can read them before I start school I also picked up a pair of plugs I have wanted forever. They are wood with anatomical hearts, so pretty. Andddd I splurged on a nice planner because I know I’m going to have to be organised next year with all my assignments, tests, clinicals and whatever else!
Today I was unfairly dismissed from my job. It is honestly such a relief. Work had been treating me horribly and I was very unhappy. But it isn’t all bad.
As soon as ai left work I went and brought both gradual and instant tan! I will be messaging my old club tomorrow and asking to come back. I have been missing stripping for so long and now I am free to get back to it.
The plan is to dance until Feb when I start back at school. In the mean time I will look for part time jobs that are relevant to my future career goals.
The only problem is I got rid of all my old costumes and skirts and gowns when I moved and won’t have money until I start dancing again. I am looking forward to earning and buying new shoes and outfits though! I am already tanned and tomorrow I will go buy some blonde dye. I’m so excited!
“Men grow up expecting to be the hero of their own story. Women grow up expecting to be the supporting actress in somebody else’s… I refuse to burn my energy adding extra magic and sparkle to other people’s lives to get them to love me. I’m busy casting spells for myself.”— Laurie Penny in her excellent article I was a Manic Pixie Dream Girl (via femfreq)
I genuinely felt jealous of a child throwing a tantrum today. I want to yell and scream and be hysterical and not have any real consequences. But that’s not how life goes, is it?
This week has been a frantic rush of me applying for Diplomas of Nursing and Cert 3 in aged care (I case I don’t get into the Diploma). I have had to research all the different entrance requirements and write essays, attend info sessions, send emails and make calls. There isn’t a lot that scares me more than making a phone call to a stranger. Seriously. I once text a friend and asked her to order my Indian food because I just could not call. But I need to grow up and do all these things on my own. I have to sit a literacy and numeracy test before I can do an interview for most of the courses, so one fully that goes well!
Work is draining my remaining energy. My boss is so unprofessional. I got accused of stealing ring opener that turned up later the same day. One of the new girls wants to get me and the two other staff members fired. I have no idea why, we don’t even work in the same store and have had no issues. My boss literally gossips about me to everyone else, she does it about everyone else too. Oh and she text me at 11:15pm last night accusing me of lying about the hour and a half overtime I requested pay for. I just want to do my job and go home. The gossip and passive aggressive shit is doing my head in.
I just want to run away from it all. I don’t want to stress about school or uni or work or supporting myself. But that’s not how life goes, is it?
“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”—Anaïs Nin, from The Diary of Anaïs Nin Vol. 4 (1971)
“Many would see this and argue that these women are doing this [pornography] “by choice” and they’re “enjoying it.” To some extent, that’s probably true. But, that argument misses the point. Consider what shapes those choices: an environment that sees women as sex objects and resources for male enjoyment. Women are under immense pressure to perform the gender roles they have been assigned. Under patriarchy, women are socialized to be servants to men. Women are groomed as little girls, taught that providing sex and pleasure for men is both expected and required of them. Women are given so few opportunities in this world to achieve and succeed based on their skills, knowledge, and other dignifying qualities, sex work is one of the only options available to them. It’s an option that’s not even on the table for men. Pornography and other forms of sexual exploitation, by the way, tend to target especially vulnerable women, like those from low income backgrounds or abusive families, those with little occupational or educational opportunities, and those who are suffering from addictions. Pornography hurts all women, but it particularly hurts at-risk women.”—
Um no. If the women (or any other person, because not all porn is white cis women by the way) who chose to participate in porn are doing so “by choice” and they’re “enjoying it” that is not missing the point. What this is basically saying is that people who do porn concensually are not intelligent enough to be aware of the social influences placed on them or that they do not have the strength or option to look for other work. While I was involved in a different form of sex work I feel the person who wrote this would apply the exact same logic to my choices (“pornography and other forms of sexual explotation”) and I find that extremely disrespectful and dangerous. I chose to get involved in sex work because it actually allowed me more control and power over men that I had in the rest of my life. I could chose my partners, chose what wore, what I told them, what they were and weren’t allowed to do. I felt safer doing my job than I have with most of my sexual partners. And this person has just completely disregarded my own choices regarding my income and safety.
Furthermore, this assessment that most of the people involved in porn are at risk and therefore shouldn’t be doing it does not actually offer any solutions. Instead of saying that these people are in need of money or disadvantaged and therefore apparently can’t decide what is best for them, why don’t you look at ways of making sex work safer. How about really listening to what various sex workers feel needs to be changed or could be done to improve safety further. But people with these views usually can’t do that frim my experience, so why don’t you just stop commenting on something that doesn’t effect you.
Remember that intimate conversation you had with your son? The one where you said, “I love you and I need you to know that no matter how a woman dresses or acts, it is not an invitation to cat call, taunt, harass or assault her”?
Or when you told your son, “A woman’s virginity isn’t a prize and sleeping with a woman doesn’t earn you a point”?
How about the heart-to-heart where you lovingly conferred the legal knowledge that “a woman doesn’t have to be fighting you and you don’t have to be pinning her down for it to be RAPE. Intoxication means she can’t legally consent, NOT that she’s an easy score.”
Or maybe you recall sharing my personal favorite, “Your sexual experiences don’t dictate your worth just like a woman’s sexual experiences don’t dictate hers.”
Last but not least, do you remember calling your son out when you discovered he was using the word “slut” liberally? Or when you overheard him talking about some girl from school as if she were more of a conquest than a person?
I want you to consider these conversations and then ask yourself why you don’t remember them. The likely reason is because you didn’t have them. In fact, most parents haven’t had them.
have you noticed that when someone goes ‘i was bitten by a dog once and now I’m kinda wary around them’ most people are like ‘aw, I understand’ but if a woman says she’s been raped/abused by men in the past and is now scared of them she gets told she’s paranoid and needs to get over it?
I noticed that.
have you noticed that when a dog bites a person, it gets put down
I miss having extravagant makeup, hair and a tan about 50 shades darker than I could ever get naturally.
I miss the expensive, shiny outfits and the heels that could kill.
I miss the men wanting me and the women wanting to be me.
But most of all I miss the feeling of being on that stage and the rush it gives.